Now Is Not Forever - But It begins today

Quietness. I hear the ticking of my housemates clock, the steady hum of the refrig, bubbles in my tummy, the mechanics of my camera as I try to take a snap shot of my kitty all balled up on a pillow at the top of the bed in my guest room/my quiet time area.....far off tweets of birds outside... and a loud crank of the air conditioning flipping on.

Ahhh, that feels good.

I started rousing at my usual time this morning, around six; it's not my gym day so I usually indulge until a little after seven. Not this morning, I would like to say in a holy voice, "The Lord woke me up and got me out of bed this morning..." but it would be more truthful to say the voice yelling at me this morning was my own. Of course, in my head, "GET OUT OF BED!"

I have been bothered by some rumblings inside of me lately and the morning hours seem to be when I am most objective, most sensitive to His voice and when it is most quiet - inside and out. So, I threw on my shorts and sneakers, headed out back to get Sasha to join me on a walk.

The SC air is dripping with warm humidity this morning, making it almost hard to breath - i was not in the most optimistic mood so i was not too pleased that even in this early hour I was breaking a sweat before I even got to the end of my driveway.

The heavy humidity matched the heaviness in my heart and mind the last few days; me, being one who likes to feel "happy," usually fight through these "lower" moods. This, of course, makes me feel worse. But, I have been growing in understanding over the nature of emotions, seeing them more as a gift instead of something to control, I allowed myself the freedom this morning to just sit in the mood. I did more than sit, I walked, prayed, and thought over the last few conversations I had had that had stirred up some stuff inside of me. I can get lost in my pattern of processing, so I just tried to listen with an open heart and mind.

"Lord, what do you want to show me?"

Honest conversations can make you uncomfortable. Like that concept in James, about the mirror: if you see your hair is messed up or there is something on your face, you fix it! (I am amused even more as I write this because when I went out this morning I was keenly aware that I had not stopped to brush my hair or even LOOK at myself!! Girls, you know how dangerous that is!!)

A mirror was held up in front of me yesterday, I did not like what I beheld. It still bothered me this morning. That is what I was praying about by the time I finished my walk. I felt stuck in a way, like I did not know how to fix the mess I saw in the mirror. But God does....

So, I opened my Bible, and my little devotional, the Daily Bread... and the caption for today read: "Now is Not Forever." I smiled. Thanks God. He is in the transforming, freeing, saving business. Right now, I can sit and enjoy Him.... I am clothed with His righteousness... and He is working in me to complete the work HE started. That is great news.

CONTINUED THOUGHTS.... (Posted at 9:35PM)

Something that shines on me as I re-read what I just wrote... is that God is not demanding that I "fix" something about myself to be acceptable to Him. He does not care if my hair is a mess or if I have dirt on my face... He just wants me to come to Him.

After heading off to work today, i felt odd over this post - I have not ever really felt like that before - I obviously use this blog to share thoughts and experiences, but I don't usually spell out in detail my deep personal stuff until I have it somewhat worked out.... but, this post, seemed more vulnerable... and I debated on erasing it. But, I felt that the Lord was wanting me to see something: He only wants me to know He loves me, and the line of perfection I hold myself up to is Not HIS DEMAND. He has taken care of all that I lack, covered me completely and made me whole. I am not broken or in need of fixing in His Eyes....

Often I feel like that lame man Jesus healed, the one who was lame for like 38 years. Jesus asked him, "what do you want?" He was a lame man, and Jesus still asked him.... He told Jesus, "I want to be healed." Yet, he had learned to live in his lameness. He did not know how to live in wholeness. Jesus gave him a warning later....

That was my prayer today: Lord, Help me to live in Wholeness; to Walk in Your Truth and Light that is in me.


Anonymous said…
so very thankful for you and God in you. much love and hugs.
Tammie said…
Thanks Christi - I was a bit afraid i went too far in sharing these thoughts... a bit over exposed. Blogging helps me... and I am thankful God has provided such an outlet to peeps like me. Thank you for your encouraging words... I want to be transparent before the Lord, myself and the world. :-) We are all works in progress by the Master Craftsman!

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