Eagerly Watch

 It's a rough season.  

I have been in quarantine the last 5 days, my husband isn't letting me out of my space.  Initially I have felt fine, just taking precaution after being exposed while at my parents.  This morning, when applying some oils on my stuffy ears, I noticed I did not smell the oils, which normally has a lovely strong cinnamon, clove, orange-y smell.  Nothing.  First true COVID symptom: bummer.  So, today I have given into the tiredness and slept.  I don't feel awful, just rundown.  

It's been a hard emotional season these past few months.  My parents are not doing well: dad has been mom's best caregiver over the last year, pushing her to improve. Her health has been very fragile since her major episode back in October of 2019.  Having an enlarged heart, congestive heart failure looms over her and she has had more and more "episodes" from pulmonary edema: liquid in the lungs.  Dad has pushed, pulled, and cared for mom so well, advocating for her with her doctors and the home health team. One of them told me that of all her patients, mom was in the best condition, all because of dad's care for her.  

November 7 changed that: dad had a cardiac arrest.  Dad was down; miraculously alive, but down.   My siblings and I have jumped in to care for mom, get dad back up and running, and stabilize the situation.  

In the course of these weeks, the reality of mom's condition and buffering dad from picking up that responsibility in order for him to get well, has overwhelmed us.  

Each week it seems a new "emergency" flares up; most recently, COVID.  

At times, as my brother said early in this adventure stated, it just seems like too much.  "Lord, help!"  When going through these things, there are so many facets to the situation that make the many decisions anything but "cut and dry".  So much grief, so many unknowns, limitations, and human fatigue sets in.  

I am a Stephen Minister leader, I help in training Stephen Ministers.  Our training equips lay men and women in the church to give quality, caring support; it is good training, and so needed in the Church.  As I prepare for the lessons I teach, the necessity of this ministry has become even that much more valuable and personal, as I walk through my own season of family crisis.  I found as I began to prepare for my lesson, I knew I had to apply the truth of what I was preparing to my own heart: validating, accepting, and expressing feelings.  The waterworks started and I could not turn them off for two days as I faced the fear, the frustration, and the sadness inside. 

This morning, when I realized my smell was gone, I knew I would have to stay in my quarantine longer than what I was hoping yesterday.  It kind of stinks, yet this time isolated more or less from everyone except my sweet husband, has been a blessing.  I am not isolated from the Lord.  He has given me space to breathe, to cry, to talk with Him, and be still.  A friend told me "tears detox the soul."

God is working in all this: He is certain when we are not, He is strong when I am not, He understands when I am frustrated and confused.  He comforts as only He can comfort; and I eagerly watch for what HE will do in all of these things.

"In the morning, O LORD, You will hear my voice; In the morning I will order my prayer to You and eagerly watch." Psalm 5: 3