Trekking with Me

I GOT MARRIED!!! June 14, 2020 I said "I do" to Mr. Roger Payne. Now, I am a Payne :-) God brought me this man; exactly what I needed, more than what I asked for, and definitely not what I expected or imagined: he is so much more.  It's been six months now, and I still am in wonder that I am finally married!   He loves me so well.   Our story wasn't a fairy tale, I quite literally fought my way to the altar: he fought for me.   I had to work through a lot of my stuff: I had to fight through my own preconceived notions. I chose to embrace a man who showed me character beyond what I had ever witnessed before.   He fought for me.   God helped me.   For me, it was a step by step process: like I said, it definitely was not what I expected.  Roger continued to show me he loved me even when I ran, or felt like running, and his love won my heart, and confidence. And I said "Yes!"   And... I got to wear the most beautiful wedding dress,  be celeb...

When one works a long full week, Saturday is always a welcome gift.  I pretty much face-planted into the weekend.  It was a long, not-bad, hard week.  I celebrated by watching two episodes of Foyle's War and popping an herbal sleep supplement before finding slumber last night.   Not sure if it was the effect of the supplement or if I was just that tired, but I slept hard, even with Kitty's 2:30AM food demand.  I came to consciousness around 7:30, knowing I had to be on my way to an appointment by 8:30.  I stumbled out of the house by 8:27 still feeling in a fog and not fully conscious.  I brought Sasha along as I felt some guilt in neglecting her and wanted to go for a jaunt in a local trail on my way home from town.   All in all, my first two hours of Saturday were spent doing things I normally find delight and joy yet as I stomped through the local woods, I was anything but delighted or joyed.  An all too familiar rant of complain ...

I am really in the fourth decade of my life now.  Hitting 40 was indeed a milestone, and now I pass the first marker of this 4th decade. I can't say that with much hoopla, to be honest.  Lately I am looking a little more carefully in the mirror for lines that were not there yesterday, thinking more about how many days it's been since my last good work out and that it only takes three days of non-aerobic work for your muscles to begin to atrophy.  Ugh... I don't want to look old, but I feel older!  My body is not wanting to move like I did a few years ago.  I even got bi-focals this past year, which at the time made me happy cause I was having a hard time seeing but that is what OLD people have! 41.... oh man. But, I enjoyed my birthday with many well wishes on Facebook, and many texts, a skype call and a few phone calls.  I feel loved.  I feel thankful. And, I am noticing that a year is moving along much quicker.  I now see the year ahead ...

This past weekend God did something that I don't want to forget.  If your life was written as a biblical account, how would it sound?  This past weekend would have been a "God-Moment" for sure in my account. As you know if you have been reading my blog, I have stepped back into the classroom; with that comes new and old ground.  The old ground is not necessarily my best moments, and honestly, feelings, I did not want to repeat.  But, in a God-like fashion, He gives redeeming experiences, to reframe, so-to-speak, things that seemed painful yet hold eternal treasures of joy and beauty.  Not sure if that makes any sense to you - but I guess I am trying to say, sometimes the things, times, relationships, or experiences that have caused us deep pain are places we need and must revisit in the power of God, to know true healing.  Just a tid-bit from my counselor heart and mind.  And since I am living it... It's simply testimony to His glorious work in me. ...

Ahem.  I turned 40 this past week.  I missed blogging on my actual birthday but its good I did not blog because I have been an emotional mess this last week. Confession: it's been hard swallowing this one. With this past week being my first dip back into teacher land and my BIG birthday tucked in the middle, I was a little emotionally overwhelmed.  I still have not wrapped my brain around it. Just being vulnerable here! I was tremendously blessed through lots of cards, birthday wishes, calls, and even a visit from my parents as well as a series of comments on Facebook regarding the significance of the number 40, especially this one: I'm hearing that after 40 years of gathering/experiencing/processing/feeling/digging.....you are ready for a new era - an era of refreshing/being refreshed/walking in your true identity. Because nothing is wasted, and all that you have already walked through will be empowering you to live in the Spirit and listen to Him as you neve...

I have just begun reading a book called Searching For Home by M. Craig Barnes.  The first chapter has brought me to tears as he describes the common human plight and deep desire for home, that wells "up from the soul." The first chapter ends with these words about hope: " The entire biblical story depicts men and women roaming from one disconnected experience to the next, unable to be at home where they are, uncertain that they will ever find where they ought to be.  Eventually, we just built a tabernacle or a temple and occasionally worshiped a God who seemed far away. But just as God was never one to settle or remain in exile, neither can he resist entering the dark wood to find us and join us on our nomadic, meandering journey. We thought we were stuck in just another day through the purgatory or hell from which there is no escape.  But from the perspective of heaven, there is purpose and even direction to our days.  If may be hard, after all these years, t...

I hope you are enjoying a Sabbath's rest today, every day.   He is our Rest.   I can't help but share what God gives me, when He rocks my world, or touches me to tears.  This happened this morning.  I was driving to church, accompanied by my new roommate, Megan.  We were noticing the beautiful fresh baby green leaves filling what only a week ago was barren and naked limbs.  How quickly it seems these little leaves fill the trees, filtering the early morning sunlight;  it was radiantly beautiful.    It triggered a memory of something God impressed upon my heart a few years ago.  Growing up in Florida, I lived very close to a pretty large fresh water lake.  Several years ago, we experienced a drought and a huge explosion of land development in my area.  Both of these factors affected the level of the lake to sink significantly.  The waterline was a good 50 to 100 feet beyond the closest dock, which in normal rainf...

My adventures keep coming!  What a year this has been!  If you would have asked me 8 weeks ago what I would be doing the first of September, I would have said, "substituting, and counseling, and on the look out for a full time job."  Instead, I have been in San Jose, Costa Rice for over a week now... Why?  This should answer you question: This is my younger brother, with his New Little Lillian Faith.  Jimbo and Timbrel invited me to come down for a few weeks to help with the arrival of this Little One.  Now... How could I turn down that opportunity? This moment will live forever in my memory.  Lillian was literally only minutes out of the womb.  She had yet to even be washed off, her extremities were still blue, and it was beautiful to see the rudy-red spread over her little limbs in the next hour or so... She met all her sisters, and brother in a very short time of coming into this world.  She had a lot to take in.  She was ...

I was recently blessed with a trip up to New England to celebrate completing my M.A.  My dear friends,  Tracy and Jamison , treated me to a trip so we could all be together again.  We had a wonderful time together and only wish we could have squeezed in a few more things.  We spent most of our time in Connecticut ("Connect - I - Cut" ~Thanks Tracy!), of which the capital is Hartford (a fact I will never forget thanks to my seventh grade social studies teacher).   Everytime we said "Hartford," I started quoting, "In Hartford hurricanes hardly ever happen..." in an ever-so-british accent.  (Name that movie!)   We also had a little surprise thrown in from sweet Tracy: one night in Newport, RI.  Everywhere we went I was in awe of the deep luscious foliage and the brilliant hues of the waters.  Add to that, sailing related paraphernalia was everywhere, my sailing soft spot was itching something fierce. Here are a few moments I captured...

I heard this for the first time a few days ago sung by friends of a friend on FB.  The words are incredible.  When I "youtubed" the song by Sleeping At Last , I thought the kids who song it on a homemade video I had watched on FB did a FAR better job - their harmony was electric.  So, I put this on here... to remember the words, & stash it away for another day... :-) Dear true love, I'm a writer without any words, I'm a story that nobody heard  When i'm without you. I am a voice, I am a voice without any sound. I'm a treasure map that nobody found When i'm without you. Dear true love, I'm a lantern without any light, I'm a boxer much too afraid to fight When i'm without you. So with this ring May you always know one thing: What little that i have to give, I will give it all to you. You're my one true love. I am a memory, I'm a memory bent out of shape, A childhood already bruised with age  When i'm without you. Dear true l...

One of my love languages is words of affirmation, in written form, left in odd places.  The first man I fell hard for left me tiny post-it size notes tucked under my windshield wiper.  I nearly crashed my car the first  time I discovered one! God often drops post-it size notes my way.  Not literally, but in ways that light up my days, assure me of His intimate love and transform me.  Here are a few I have received lately: You are acceptable.   This love note from Heaven has come before, in fact, as I reflect over the last year, it first came last March.  This time, it spoke more deeply, directly to a lie I have lived in - that I was not acceptable.  Is there anyone else that has believed that lie?  I am free to be me because He created and designed me exactly the way I am.  I know, "I am not perfect, but parts of me are excellent!" I am somebody. We are significant.  God doesn't make junk; in fact, I bear His Image. ...

I love happy endings. I love it when the girl realizes the man loves her for her, and she lets down her guard and loves him back. I love it when the guy waits patiently for the girl to realize she loves him. I love it when love grows softly between two unsuspecting individuals. I love it when the man sees the heart of the woman he loves and draws out her inner beauty, making her outer beauty all that much more beautiful. I love it when he sees her worth, more than she sees her own, and he does everything to show her she is worthy. I love it when the man and woman discover they are on the same adventure and they can fight it together all that much better. I love it when you walk out of the movie theatre, and you heart and mind wear a smile because the story that seemed so complicated, frustrating, and impossible ended up just like you knew it should have... and hope is restored in your heart that Love does win. I love outtakes that make you sit until the very last line t...

 God has given us so much.   Christmas being the pinnacle of His Giving of His Son, Jesus Christ, "in the fullness of time..." to come live here on earth, fully man and fully God.   The Lord Jesus Christ, the object of our... The substance of our .... The example of perfect... He is the Reason we celebrate with food, family, friends....  And the reason that the Enemy of our Souls, the temporary ruler of this world tries with all his defeated power to distract, destroy, steal and kill from God's Glory.  This 2011 Christmas season brought great loss in a dear friends family.  Such a horrific loss that it felt like the very breath was taken out of me upon hearing the news.  As I processed this loss, I found myself getting angry at the evil intent of the Enemy.  I know God, through Christ has overcome death and its sting, and Believers don't grieve as the world grieves: we still grieve, with Hope.   I felt angry...

Yesterday while I was sitting in church drinking in a profoundly challenging message from John 6, something about it revealed to me the deep need we have to see our need for Jesus.  We so desperately try to hide, cover up, mask our depravity, our imperfections. Jesus was revealing what salvation, what truth, what relationship with God requires.  You must unmask yourself, in a sense, to know your need of Him. Unmasking is scary.  It is revealing! (profound huh!?)   Yet, only in unmasking ourselves can we enter into true intimacy.  This is a deep, very personal lesson I am experiencing.  I did not even realize how hard I have tried to hold a mask over myself especially in regards to human relationships.  The problem with a mask is it keeps people out... it blocks intimacy.  Love.  Relationship.... The things that we were created for.... God longs for this with us... He created us for His glory: for relationship with Him.  Sin, a...

About a year ago I had the privilege of coordinating  a wedding  for some dear friends.   Something very significant happened in that event. After the hub-bub of getting the wedding party all in line, checking that all the details were in place, the main ceremony unfolded.  I stood in the back of the room near the audio booth, and took a deep satisfying breath.  As I watched the couple taking their vows, a light of invitation was flashed up in my heart, an invitation to intimate vulnerability.  My heart shivered at the incredible possibility. He was inviting me deeper. Was I brave enough to go there?  I know I wanted to... He whispered into my being that He was good and strong, I can trust Him because He loves me. Over the past year He has been showing me little by little, proving to me His unfailing love for me; strengthening my heart. Funny how I imagined intimacy before - I don't even know how I imagined it - something more along the lines...

How He Delights My Soul! Last night a dear friend and I went for a walk down on the Riverwalk.  It is one of my favorite places here in Columbia.  If I have not said it already, Spring is beautiful here!!  This Spring seems to be extra beautiful for the Lord has been pouring His Love over me in such a tangible way.  Truly Joy inexpressible! So much joyful juice is upon me that when I spill it over on a status quote on Facebook I am receiving funny questioning comments such as, "are you getting married?" or "Tammie, do we need to talk??" I love my friends.   No I am not getting married; I am simply growing into deeper Delight of My Husband for 34 years.  Jesus Christ has faithfully loved me through valleys and seasons and depths.  He has been tenderly showing me this walk truly has been a living relationship, a marriage, in spite of my complaining, my lack of understanding and seeing(believing!) or mis-belief, my stubborn dig-my-heels in moments, po...